The contemplation of douchebags

In a time before now...

In a place not here...

Master Chen and Foo...

CONTEMPLATE DOUCHEBAGS

Warrior sage Master Chen was walking in his gardens when his apprentice, Foo, ran up to him and exclaimed, "Master! One of the other apprentices just called me a douchebag!"

"Foo," said Master Chen, "You are lazy, dull, annoying, stupid, smelly, and, most recently, a big, fat tattletale...but you are definitely NOT a douchebag."

"Master," said Foo, "What is a douchebag?"

"Traditionally," said Master Chen, "It is a feminine hygiene product for when women aren't feeling so fresh. But it is also a slang term for a person who is very much unenlightened."

"But master," said Foo, "How can a feminine hygiene product be the same as an unenlightened soul? Is it a paradox?"

"No," said Master Chen, "It is just a very poorly chosen word, most likely invented by a douchebag. Unfortunately, we haven't come up with anything better."

"I understand, master," said Foo.

"Now, Foo," said Master Chen, "It is time for you to learn the four noble truths of douchebags..."

"NOBLE TRUTH NUMBER ONE! All of life is suffering and all of suffering comes from dealing with douchebags."

"NOBLE TRUTH NUMBER TWO! Some douchebags are born and some are made, some are young and some are old, some are men and some are women, and, at all times, all the world is filled with douchebags."

"NOBLE TRUTH NUMBER THREE! The best way to deal with douchebags is to...CUT OFF THEIR HEADS!"

"But master," Foo said, "Surely there is a better way to deal with douchebags besides cutting off their heads."

"No, Foo, there is not." said Master Chen, "Let me tell you a story."

"I once had an apprentice who was a big douchebag but, still, I taught him."

"I taught him to be kind and loving, so that he would receive kindness and love in return."

"I taught him to be patient, so that he would never again be a victim of his self-destructive anger."

"I taught him to be humble, so that he could appreciate what he had and so he would never suffer from humiliation."

"And the apprentice understood and was enlightened, so I...CUT OFF HIS HEAD!"

"But Master," said Foo, "If the apprentice was enlightened, why did you cut off his head?"

"Because of NOBLE TRUTH NUMBER FOUR! The only thing worse than a douchebag is an enlightened douchebag."

And Foo, who was not a douchebag, was enlightened slightly more than he was before.

So ends the lesson of CONTEMPLATE DOUCHEBAGS.