Dark Humor for your Black Friday

Sometimes I have dark and twisted thoughts.

I imagine we probably all do from time to time.

The difference with me, however, is that I usually write them down.

If they aren't long enough to turn into an entry, I send them to my friend Phil, and he records himself reading my dark and twisted thoughts aloud in a very calm and sincere voice. Then, he sends the recording back to me and I slap on some animated words and a musical track by Schumann and post them on a YouTube channel called Phizzy Essence.
 
Here's one of our Phizzy Essence videos to get you all into a Black Friday mood:

Typical Morning Thoughts

The day starts like any other day and I am up when I am up and my mind reboots into reality and what a harsh reality it can be.

But today is the day and I am going to live in the moment and not let my past make me cringe in regret and I am not going to let my future loom before me in a messy mass of uncertainty and worry and fear.

I am not perfect, but I am going to be the best person I can be, the full package, not perfect, but not the worst, perhaps a bit quirky, I mean, it's not like I am crazy or dangerous or anything, although I do spend a lot of time talking to myself, but...

Today is my day, and today I am going to utilize my energy and time in positive ways, aside from the nine hours of work and the eight hours of sleep and the hour or two of commute time and...

Wait...what does that add up to?

Nine and eight and two and...did I include eating? I have to include eating, I'm not a machine, for crying out loud. I can't just go full throttle and not eat, I might pass out at work...

Gotta get to work...wait...what time it is?

Is that clock set to the correct time or is that the clock I set twenty minutes ahead to make sure that I am never late? Should I be recalculating the time like that? I shouldn't, right? That defeats the purpose of setting it forward.

Holy crap! Is that the TIME!?

Wait...no, that's the stove clock I forgot to set backwards for Daylight Savings Time. Almost gave myself a heart attack, which is probably not far off in my future at the rate I am going. I need to exercise more. I should eat better food.

Who ever sets the stove clock anyway? I guess it got set at some point. It doesn't blink 12:00 like the microwave.

Why does the microwave have so many buttons and features? Has anyone used the "soften" button in the history of microwaves with a "soften" button? Whatever happened to simple elegance in interface design?

The toilet. Simple design. One control. One result. Unless it gets plugged. Then, it has two possible results. I don't like the second result.

I should probably set the microwave clock.

How do I set the microwave clock?

I should probably set the stove clock.

How do I set the stove clock?

Why does my kitchen smell weird? Is it onions? Did I cook something with onions last night? Was it the night before?

Why do we even eat onions, they smell horrible! Whose responsible for eating the first onion? Who would want to do that? Did they just eat a raw onion like an apple and conclude, with that strong and harsh flavor, that onions weren't poisonous?

Is it rotten chicken? Did I cook chicken this week?

I should run the garbage disposal. I should squirt dish soap in first and then run the garbage disposal.

Is there anything in the garbage disposal that I can't see? Like a spoon? Will it break if I turn it on? How can I tell? Should I reach in?

What if I was reaching into the garbage disposal and the power surged in some weird way and the garbage disposal turned on and chopped up my hand? What would I do? Is that normal to think about having my hand chopped up in the garbage disposal? Do other people think about losing their hand in a garbage disposal or am I just weird?

No, I'm not weird. I'm...actually...I'm lucky...I should feel lucky. I have a good job and both of my hands and I am fairly healthy and I'm not dead, yet. That's pretty good. Especially the death part.

Assuming that death is worse than existence, that is. Which it might not be. I mean, it's either pure love or non-existence or reincarnation...or Hell, but, come on, that seems a bit pessimistic, even for me, so it's probably reincarnation because that's the most difficult one to deal with once you throw Hell out of the mix.

That would just figure, right? Billions of years...over and over...of...this...

Plus, who knows? Why should I even be reincarnated as a human? Why should it even be on Earth? Maybe I will end up as a pile of intelligent orange goo on some distant planet in some distant galaxy. There's an awful lot of space in space. I could be anything, anywhere, at any time. Would the quality of my life be better or worse?

Quality of life is important. I have a good quality of life. I'm lucky, really.

My quality of life would definitely be worse if I chopped off my hand. I will just run the garbage disposal without checking.

Smells better. Must have been rotten chicken in the garbage disposal.

I should try to find the manual for the stove clock.

It's getting late, I have to get going. I have to get to work. That was a waste of time. Completely unproductive. Maybe I can make up the time on my lunch break.

Where's my lunch?

My coffee? My keys? My wallet? My shaver? My jacket? My book? My snack? My water?

Where's that thing that I am going to forget until I start driving for about five minutes?

Got 'em.

Gotta get going. Gotta go. Gotta get through this day. Gotta make it count.

Life...it's still there.

What I have Been Writing

A lack of posts does not mean a lack of writing.

I am working through some drafts.

I will be back here soon.

Thanks to all who are reading.